


Reflections

by jairyn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anisoka, Death and Dying, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Home, Hope, Memories, Star Wars - Freeform, The Force, True Love, Visions, otp, possible trigger warning, reflections, vadful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:27:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23695393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jairyn/pseuds/jairyn
Summary: This is probably terrible timing since tomorrow is supposed to be their reunion after however long apart (which could be a good thing, who knows?) But I had this dream that I just had to pour out of myself, so have an angsty one shot for whenever you're feeling emotional.Trapped after the temple collapse on Malachor, Darth Vader and Ahsoka get a brief moment in time to reflect on their lives and their impending deaths.
Relationships: Ahsoka Tano & Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 18
Kudos: 136





	Reflections

“So, this is where it ends?” she murmured, laying back against the stone. It was hard to believe a few minutes earlier they were fighting like they’d kill each other. Or a few minutes before that, it was confirmed he was still alive even after all this time. Actually, there was a lot about these past few months that were hard to believe. Not that it really mattered now. Here they were, trapped under the collapsed temple, neither were able to get out, not even together had they managed it. She had no idea how deeply they were buried, but having been buried alive before, she knew their time was running out. No one would be coming to save them, not fast enough anyways. 

“So, it would seem,” he rasped, coughing on the dust that got sucked into his helmet. She glanced at him, but he was just staring blankly at the rocks above him. Everything she’d felt from him before still tingled her senses, but he was no longer directing it at her. Though his lightsaber was still clutched in his right hand, he could easily slice her in half just by turning his wrist. She wouldn’t be able to escape it, there was nowhere to go. 

“At least I’m with you,” she whispered, feeling a rush of emotion. 

He turned his head finally, his one golden eye glowed slightly in the all-consuming darkness surrounding them. “You’re happy about that?” Was that a hint of surprise she heard in his tone?

“Not that we’re about to die, no,” she sighed. “But if this is the end, there’s no one I’d rather die beside.” She cringed a little, knowing how stupid that sounded. 

“Romantic,” he muttered, and she knew he hadn’t understood what she was trying to say.

She rolled onto her side and studied him, even though she knew he was purposely not looking at her. “You don’t get it,” she said, wondering why she was pressing the matter. But what difference did it make if she died right now versus in a little while when they ran out of air? He finally looked at her again, the one eye she could see clearly narrowed in frustration. “You’ve been my whole world for so long... it’s only fitting I die by your side. It’s the only place I belong. The only place I’ve ever wanted to be.”

“Then why’d you leave him?” His accusation sent a ripple of pain through her. Worse even than his insistence he would kill her. It was her turn to lay back and stare at the nothing much above them. Not to mention how weird it was that he talked about himself like he wasn’t still in there. Maybe that was a way to pretend this version was someone else? She couldn’t remember another Sith doing that, so she couldn’t help but wonder why _he_ did. The emotions still came from him like he was the one that had lived it, he just wouldn’t admit they were his.

“I was scared, _lost_. I didn’t know who I was or what I believed in anymore. I couldn’t face the council and... I didn’t want to bring you down too.” She brought her hands up to rub her face. 

“Well you did,” he said pointedly.

She dropped her arms back to her side. “Yes, I did,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I failed you.” There were really no more words that truly encapsulated the feeling of regret and failure that had been pumping through her from the moment she suspected he was still alive but as this... _thing_... he was now. The vision in the Lothal temple still haunted her. _Where were you when I needed you?_ Not there, obviously. 

“Sorry doesn’t change it,” he said, and a flash of anger seared her senses again.

“No, it doesn’t.” They went back to staring at the stone above them as silence fell again. It was an eerie silence though, and she didn’t like it. If they were about to die, which was pretty obvious right now, there was so much she wanted to say to him. So many things she’d buried alongside him when the war ended. And now he was here, a captive audience, so why was she not speaking? “Do you remember when I invited myself along for the citadel mission?” she asked finally. “I kept telling everyone that Master Plo had told me to go, but it wasn’t true.”

“He always knew Master Plo didn’t assign you to that mission,” he rasped. “He was so pissed.”

“I know.” She folded her hands and rested them on her stomach. “I was young and foolish. I wanted so badly to prove that I could handle it, but you always left me behind during the most dangerous missions.” She half expected him to say something about being protective or whatever, but he must have realized what it would mean to admit it now and stayed silent. “It was about more than that though. I wasn’t just trying to show off. I wanted to go because, because I thought it was my job to protect you. Stupid, I guess. You were the chosen one, I was just a kid. Why I ever thought _I_ could protect you, I’ll never know.”

They fell silent again, the only noise was the heavy mechanical breathing he made through his suit. And occasionally the sounds of stones settling above them, exaggerating the predicament they were now in. 

“I guess I was scared,” she continued. “Of losing you. You meant the world to me, you still do. Everything I did, I did it for you. To protect you, to support you, to fight for you, to prove to you that I was worthy. Even when I left, it was still to protect you. I thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d freeze up in the middle of a battle or question an order that in that moment of hesitation could get you hurt or killed. I knew I’d fail you by leaving, but... at least you’d still be alive. I’d live with that failure if it meant you lived too.”

The tears started falling, but she didn’t try to brush them away. 

“After the news that you’d died... I died too. Maybe not a physical death, but something far worse. For a long time, I just drifted through life with no direction, no purpose, no meaning, nothing. I mourned the others, but never like I mourned you.”

She rolled away from him and buried her face in her arms. Admitting that had hurt far more than she’d expected. She cried for awhile, silently, to herself. He had no reason to forgive her no matter what excuses she made. But right now, she didn’t care if he forgave her, she just wanted him to hear the words even if they meant nothing to him.

“My master told me everyone I’d once believed a friend was now the enemy,” he coughed, his voice fading. “That committing to this path meant destroying everything I’d been just as it had destroyed me.” He didn’t say anything for awhile and she rolled back over, wiping the tears out of her eyes so she could see him more clearly. “I tried to kill him and everything that mattered to him. I gave into the darkness, wanting to not feel weak anymore.” He turned his head to look at her and she swallowed hard at the weight of his confession. And for a moment, she really thought he’d leave it at that. “You were the only part of him I couldn’t kill.” 

He looked away again and she just stared at the side of his helmet in disbelief. Her? Why her? She’d failed him, she’d left him, she was probably even the reason he’d become this! If there was any part of him, he couldn’t kill, it should have been Padmé, or Rex, or his boys, or Obi Wan.

“Why me?” she choked, feeling even more emotional and pathetic with each passing second, he didn’t respond. 

“Because no matter how hard he tried to hate you, or rage at you, or be disappointed in you, he knew you didn’t leave to hurt him. _I_ knew...” he trailed off as though he realized what he’d just admitted. That after all this time trying to kill Anakin, he hadn’t managed it. 

She scooted closer to him, shifting uncomfortably over some sharper rocks so she could lean into him. 

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I swear it. I just didn’t know what else to do at the time.” She rested her head on his arm, surprised he wasn’t pushing her away. “Leaving you broke me in so many ways, for months, I never thought I’d feel whole again.”

“Did you?”

“Briefly,” she murmured thoughtfully. “For the two days I was back by your side.” She rubbed her arm feeling suddenly cold. “Then... nothing.” She glanced at him again. “At least not until I felt you in that ship. It was like everything woke up again.”

“You weren’t the only one that woke up again,” he rasped, his breathing getting heavier and more ragged despite the suit’s automatic rhythm. She could tell unmasking him had weakened him considerably. Which meant that he didn’t just wear this suit to intimidate. 

Even though there wasn’t much room above them, she tried to lean over him so she could look at him directly. She ignored the throbbing pain when she hit her head. She wanted so bad to touch him but there were so many buttons on his suit, who knew what kind of chaos she’d cause by bumping one. Not to mention, other than the jagged diamond shape hole around his right eye, there was not even a sliver of skin showing for her to touch. She set a hand on his arm and the other one up above the control panel, sliding under his shoulder guards as she tried to stabilize herself in that awkward position. His golden eye followed her movements but didn’t show much emotion while she tried to get as comfortable as she could there. 

“Anakin,” she whispered finally, feeling another wave of emotion crash through her. “You changed my life. From the moment I was assigned to you, the path before me changed completely. Being a Jedi was all I really knew, and like most, I thought it was all I ever could be. But you taught me a middle path, a new path; and you gave me the tools and confidence to follow it no matter where it led. Everything that I am, I owe to you.” She chuckled a little as she remembered something, she’d told Trace all those years ago. “After I left, whenever somebody asked me where I came from, I never said the Jedi order. I always said, ‘Skywalker Academy.’” She tried to smile at him, ignoring the tears that still streamed silently down her face. “I only wish I’d told you that sooner.”

He moved his right arm and she tried to shift so he could even though she half expected him to stab his lightsaber through her since she thought he was still holding it. But instead she felt his hand touch her side, just above her waist. It was a light touch but sent a rush of warmth spreading through her. 

“You were so stubborn. So obnoxious. A little brat that believed she knew better than anyone else,” he swallowed, clearly struggling to speak. “I couldn’t believe Master Yoda would dump you in my lap. I thought they were punishing me for not being blindly obedient by giving me an unteachable pest to mold into that.” His fingers moved up her side. “Little did I know that you’d change my life too.”

“Why did you agree to train me if you hated me that much?” she asked curiously. It was the one question she’d wondered about more than any other. She’d given him a terrible impression of her, she’d been a pain in his neck from day one, he had no reason to care or agree and yet he had. She’d never known why. 

“I knew what it was like to not be wanted,” he breathed, swallowing hard. She felt guilty for making him talk when it was so clearly painful for him. But they were going to die anyways, what was a little more pain first? “You drove me crazy, but... I guess I saw myself in you, and I didn’t want the order to do to you what they’d done to me. I swore that day I’d shield you as much as I could from their close-minded hypocrisy. That I’d never let them make you feel small or worthless. If they were going to make me raise a kid, I was going to raise it _my_ way. Like my mother raised me.”

“Thank you,” she choked, dropping her head and letting the truth sink into her skin. 

“Ahsoka,” he coughed again. “Help me take this helmet off.”

“But...”

“We’re going to die anyways; I just want it off.” She studied what she could see of his face and finally nodded. She tried to lean on a free area of his chest in order to release her hands from needing to hold her up. It was uncomfortable and awkward, but she finally managed to unclasp the hooks and lift it off in two pieces. “The neck guard too,” he said weakly, so soft without the assistance of the helmet. He lifted his head enough for her to blindly reach behind it, feeling for the clasps. It came off in one piece and she nearly started crying again at his condition. 

She pulled off the arm guard of her left hand and slipped it under his neck to act as a pillow. He reached up and started removing his cape and shoulder guards; pulling them out from under his robe and tossing them to the side. She leaned her head down where they’d been, staring at his chin, her heart aching as she traced the scars on his face. She absentmindedly brought her right hand up, trying to touch his skin even though her arm didn’t really bend that way to reach it with more than her fingertips. 

“Are you scared, Master?” she breathed. “To die?”

“No,” he replied. 

“I used to be,” she confessed. “But not anymore.”

The pressure was increasing, and they fell silent for awhile. She just focused her attention on listening to him breathe even though it was far from steady or soothing. She dreaded hearing it stop though, hoping that if he had to die first, she’d be right behind him. 

“Ahsoka,” he gasped, and she tipped her head up and looked at his face. “Thank you, for... staying with me.” She almost had the urge to tell him something snippy, it wasn’t like she had much choice to stay here, since she was trapped too. But the truth of the matter was, even if she could get out and he couldn’t, she’d have stayed anyways. And maybe he knew that, and that was what he meant. 

“Didn’t I tell you, you were stuck with me, Skyguy? I meant it. Until the very end.” She tried to give him a teasing smile and he faintly smiled in return. It warmed her heart to know no matter how far he’d fallen, he was still in there. And that’s when she realized it. “I love you,” she choked on the words. “I’ve always loved you. I loved you before I became your padawan, I loved you more when I did. I loved you just as much when I left, and I only love you more now.”

His left hand came up to her face, touching it softly and yet somehow a bit roughly. She assumed it was his weakening body struggling to control the heavy limbs as their strength faded from lack of air. “I love... you,” he rasped, it clearly taking far too much effort to speak. “I didn’t know how much, until you... left. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she breathed, shifting closer so she could sort of kiss him, though she doubted the touch was as comforting as she meant it to be. He struggled for air and she released him, laying her head back down on his chest and holding onto him as tight as she could. It was almost time; she could feel it. It was hard to believe their entire lives were coming to this; though if she were honest, she could think of plenty of worse ways to die. And there was a comfort in knowing he was with her, that they’d die together as she always hoped they would. Not that she’d wished for either of their deaths obviously. Only that if he had to die, she’d be right there with him. It was the only thing that had ever made sense to her. Living without him just wasn’t an option, the last sixteen years had proven that.

Physically she might have been alive, but that wasn’t what it had felt like. No purpose or path had ever reduced the pain of him not being there. But here he was, after all this time, she had one last chance to be by his side. 

His eyes closed and his breathing slowed. She closed her own and willed herself to follow him. 

“Ahsoka,” he said, and she smiled at the way he said her name, feeling a rush of peace and calm. “Stand up.”

“I can’t,” she murmured, remembering the cramped space they were in. Had the stones moved? Were they being rescued?

“Let go,” he called to her. “It’s okay.” She lifted her head and looked up towards the source of his voice, then slowly rose and got to her feet, surprised there was nothing inhibiting her ability to do so. She walked towards him, admiring the angelic way he stood there, his robes just like they’d always been, but lighter. His features soft, peaceful, less pained. He smiled at her and she returned it. Then he reached out his hand for her to take. 

She intertwined her fingers with his and he turned, leading her away from where they’d been. She felt so at peace, so free, so comfortable. His presence as warm and inviting as it had always been. She didn’t really pay attention to anything other than the way he looked and felt walking by her side. She didn’t know where they were going or why, but it didn’t matter, she’d follow him anywhere. 

After walking for awhile, he stopped, turning towards her and smiling again. She admired the dimple on the left side, the way his blond-brownish hair flowed around his face, the sparkle in his deep blue eyes. “Welcome home, Snips,” he said, and her smile widened.

“It’s perfect.”

“You haven’t even looked at it,” he laughed. She wanted to, but she couldn’t take her eyes off him. 

“I _am_ looking at it, Skyguy!” she teased, pushing him playfully on the chest with her free hand. “It’s right in front of me!” She threw her arms around him and held him tight, loving the warm feeling trickling through her. One she’d never ever want to end.

She didn’t need to look around, she didn’t need to know where they were or how they got there. She didn’t need to know what home looked like because she already knew. Home looked like him, the good the bad, the wrong, the right. None of it mattered. Wherever he was, was home. Right there, in his arms. Home. The only home she’d ever known.


End file.
